Showing posts with label funnies. Show all posts
Showing posts with label funnies. Show all posts
Monday, July 09, 2007
FW: Blondes on a Bus
Blondes on a BusTwo bowling teams, one of all blondes and one of all brunettes,chartered a double-decker bus for a week-end tournament in Louisiana.The brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the blonde teamrode on the top level.The brunettes down below really whooped it up, having a great time,when one of them realized she hadn't heard anything from the blondesupstairs. She decided to go up and investigate.When the brunette reached the top, she found all the blondes frozen infear, staring straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in frontof them with white knuckles. The brunette asked, "What's going on uphere? We're having a great time downstairs!"One of the blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard, and whispered... "YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!"
Tuesday, July 03, 2007
My first forward - FW: Can You Sleep While the Wind Blows???
Can You Sleep While the Wind Blows?
by Arthur S. Maxwell
Years ago, a farmer owned land along the Atlantic seacoast. He constantly advertised for hired hands. Most people were reluctant to work on farms along the Atlantic. They dreaded the awful storms that raged across the Atlantic, wreaking havoc on the buildings and crops. As the farmer interviewed applicants for the job, he received a steady stream of refusals.
Finally, a short, thin man, well past middle age, approached the farmer. "Are you a good farm hand?" the farmer asked him.
"Well, I can sleep when the wind blows," answered the little man.
Although puzzled by this answer, the farmer, desperate for help, hired him. The little man worked well around the farm, busy from dawn to dusk, and the farmer felt satisfied with the man's work. Then one night the wind howled loudly in from offshore. Jumping out of bed, the farmer grabbed a lantern and rushed next door to the hired hand's sleeping quarters. He shook the little man and yelled, "Get up! A storm is coming! Tie things down before they blow away!"
The little man rolled over in bed and said firmly, "No sir. I told you, I can sleep when the wind blows."
Enraged by the response, the farmer was tempted to fire him on the spot. Instead, he hurried outside to prepare for the storm. To his amazement, he discovered that all of the haystacks had been covered with tarpaulins. The cows were in the barn, the chickens were in the coops, and the doors were barred. The shutters were tightly secured. Everything was tied down.
Nothing could blow away. The farmer then understood what his hired hand meant, so he returned to his bed to also sleep while the wind blew.
When you're prepared, spiritually, mentally, and physically, you have nothing to fear. Can you sleep when the wind blows through your life? The hired hand in the story was able to sleep because he had secured the farm against the storm. We secure ourselves against the storms of life by grounding ourselves in the Word of God. We don't need to understand, we just need to hold His hand to have peace in the middle of storms.
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"I can sleep on windy nights" from -- Uncle Arthur's Online.
by Arthur S. Maxwell
Years ago, a farmer owned land along the Atlantic seacoast. He constantly advertised for hired hands. Most people were reluctant to work on farms along the Atlantic. They dreaded the awful storms that raged across the Atlantic, wreaking havoc on the buildings and crops. As the farmer interviewed applicants for the job, he received a steady stream of refusals.
Finally, a short, thin man, well past middle age, approached the farmer. "Are you a good farm hand?" the farmer asked him.
"Well, I can sleep when the wind blows," answered the little man.
Although puzzled by this answer, the farmer, desperate for help, hired him. The little man worked well around the farm, busy from dawn to dusk, and the farmer felt satisfied with the man's work. Then one night the wind howled loudly in from offshore. Jumping out of bed, the farmer grabbed a lantern and rushed next door to the hired hand's sleeping quarters. He shook the little man and yelled, "Get up! A storm is coming! Tie things down before they blow away!"
The little man rolled over in bed and said firmly, "No sir. I told you, I can sleep when the wind blows."
Enraged by the response, the farmer was tempted to fire him on the spot. Instead, he hurried outside to prepare for the storm. To his amazement, he discovered that all of the haystacks had been covered with tarpaulins. The cows were in the barn, the chickens were in the coops, and the doors were barred. The shutters were tightly secured. Everything was tied down.
Nothing could blow away. The farmer then understood what his hired hand meant, so he returned to his bed to also sleep while the wind blew.
When you're prepared, spiritually, mentally, and physically, you have nothing to fear. Can you sleep when the wind blows through your life? The hired hand in the story was able to sleep because he had secured the farm against the storm. We secure ourselves against the storms of life by grounding ourselves in the Word of God. We don't need to understand, we just need to hold His hand to have peace in the middle of storms.
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"I can sleep on windy nights" from -- Uncle Arthur's Online.
Monday, July 02, 2007
Some Funny Political Videos and others
Most of the following are hilarious political videos on youtube. My personal favorite is Hilary's Baggage. There are also a few real cute, realy funny videos. A few are fart jokes. The last two are spoof videos on the movie "300."
Hillary for Big Brother
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6h3G-lMZxjo
Barak Obamama
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QANdqjqLE9k
Hillary's Baggage
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QJgfl8jxyw0
My Bologna
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K_hf0giCMrI&NR=1
Hillary vs. Obama
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YqOHquOkpaU
Jurassic Fart -- Biochemists have discovered the extinction event that killed off all the dinosaurs. This video recreation shows how. In short, the old farts lost their potency.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WxfIDpset2I
MythBusters - Do Pretty Girls Fart?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RHcDP_Yew-g
MythBusters - Flammable Fart
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vz6IGuYdXFo&NR=1
The 305
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8wpa2Qplm8M
United 300
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E3CRE9kFRvo
Hillary for Big Brother
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6h3G-lMZxjo
Barak Obamama
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QANdqjqLE9k
Hillary's Baggage
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QJgfl8jxyw0
My Bologna
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K_hf0giCMrI&NR=1
Hillary vs. Obama
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YqOHquOkpaU
Jurassic Fart -- Biochemists have discovered the extinction event that killed off all the dinosaurs. This video recreation shows how. In short, the old farts lost their potency.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WxfIDpset2I
MythBusters - Do Pretty Girls Fart?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RHcDP_Yew-g
MythBusters - Flammable Fart
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vz6IGuYdXFo&NR=1
The 305
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8wpa2Qplm8M
United 300
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E3CRE9kFRvo
Friday, June 29, 2007
The Ten Commandments for Drivers
The Vatican recently (late June '07) its Ten Commandments for Drivers. The list bore two resemblances to the original Ten Commandments (Exodus 20:2-17, Deuteronomy 5:6-21):
The seventh commandment, You shall not kill, re-appeared, although it had been promoted to first commandment.
The list had ten points.
Although the list contained some great rules, there was little parallelism between the Vatican's ten and the Bible's ten. It had even less cleverness, let alone humor. As my daughter says of my belches, it was truly pitiful. The one command that I enjoyed was the eighth: Bring guilty motorists and their victims together, at the appropriate time, so that they can undergo the liberating experience of forgiveness. This compared most closely to You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor.
Naturally, it screamed in challenge to me. Here's my attempt, and I think it's considerably better on several dimensions, even though I wrote it hurriedly and didn't have hundreds of other wise-acres to help me brainstorm.
My Ten Commandments for Drivers
1. The Lord your God hath brought you safely to adulthood and to obtain your driver's license;
you shall have no other priorities above safety.
2. You shall not make for yourself an idol of your priorities, whether in the form of any task for your job, or that is for your passengers, or that is for yourself.
You shall not put the pedal to the floor for them or obsess with them; for the Lord your God is a zealous Father, chastising the children for the bad habits learned from their parents, to the third and fourth generation of those who reject God,
but showing safe arrival to the thousandth generation of those who love Him and keep His commandments.
3. You shall not bring shame on the name of the Lord your God, for the Lord will not put into the officer's heart to acquit you with a warning when he sees your "I love Jesus" bumper sticker.
4. Observe the Lord's Day and keep it holy, as the Lord your God commanded you.
For six days you shall drive for labor and do all your shopping and recreation;
But the Lord's Day, when you wear church clothes, you shall not work, nor shop, nor amuse yourself -- you, or your son or your daughter, or your spouse or your employee, or your ride, so that your family and associates may attend the Lord's house on Sunday Morning.
Remember that you were a heathen in the land of sin, and the Lord your God bought you with the Blood of His Son; therefore the Lord your God commanded you not to forsake the assembling of yourselves together.
But before or after church, have fun!
5. Honor your driving instructors and your backseat drivers, as the Lord your God commands you, so that your days may be long and that your drive may go well in the lane that the Lord your God has given you.
6. You shall not cause others to kiss the pavement.
7. Neither shall you pick up honeys while cruising.
8. Neither shall you steal the right of way.
9. Neither shall you bear false witness to the officer, nor blame your neighbor for your transgression.
10. Neither shall you covet a neighboring driver; neither shall you be distracted by your neighbor's building, or landscape, or anatomy, or car, or motorcycle, nor things towed; nor your radio, or your cell phone, or anything else, when your eyes should be on the road.
The seventh commandment, You shall not kill, re-appeared, although it had been promoted to first commandment.
The list had ten points.
Although the list contained some great rules, there was little parallelism between the Vatican's ten and the Bible's ten. It had even less cleverness, let alone humor. As my daughter says of my belches, it was truly pitiful. The one command that I enjoyed was the eighth: Bring guilty motorists and their victims together, at the appropriate time, so that they can undergo the liberating experience of forgiveness. This compared most closely to You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor.
Naturally, it screamed in challenge to me. Here's my attempt, and I think it's considerably better on several dimensions, even though I wrote it hurriedly and didn't have hundreds of other wise-acres to help me brainstorm.
My Ten Commandments for Drivers
1. The Lord your God hath brought you safely to adulthood and to obtain your driver's license;
you shall have no other priorities above safety.
2. You shall not make for yourself an idol of your priorities, whether in the form of any task for your job, or that is for your passengers, or that is for yourself.
You shall not put the pedal to the floor for them or obsess with them; for the Lord your God is a zealous Father, chastising the children for the bad habits learned from their parents, to the third and fourth generation of those who reject God,
but showing safe arrival to the thousandth generation of those who love Him and keep His commandments.
3. You shall not bring shame on the name of the Lord your God, for the Lord will not put into the officer's heart to acquit you with a warning when he sees your "I love Jesus" bumper sticker.
4. Observe the Lord's Day and keep it holy, as the Lord your God commanded you.
For six days you shall drive for labor and do all your shopping and recreation;
But the Lord's Day, when you wear church clothes, you shall not work, nor shop, nor amuse yourself -- you, or your son or your daughter, or your spouse or your employee, or your ride, so that your family and associates may attend the Lord's house on Sunday Morning.
Remember that you were a heathen in the land of sin, and the Lord your God bought you with the Blood of His Son; therefore the Lord your God commanded you not to forsake the assembling of yourselves together.
But before or after church, have fun!
5. Honor your driving instructors and your backseat drivers, as the Lord your God commands you, so that your days may be long and that your drive may go well in the lane that the Lord your God has given you.
6. You shall not cause others to kiss the pavement.
7. Neither shall you pick up honeys while cruising.
8. Neither shall you steal the right of way.
9. Neither shall you bear false witness to the officer, nor blame your neighbor for your transgression.
10. Neither shall you covet a neighboring driver; neither shall you be distracted by your neighbor's building, or landscape, or anatomy, or car, or motorcycle, nor things towed; nor your radio, or your cell phone, or anything else, when your eyes should be on the road.
Choosing the Right Human for a Dog
Second Entry
Entry Number 2
Choosing the Right Human for a Dog
I'm so honored that a coworker asked my opinion about something, I need to fetch the emergency sewing kit in my desk to re-attach two of the buttons on my shirt! I'm not sure I know that much about dawgs, but I don't want to disappoint anybody, so I'll do my best.
Since it's best to try to match the disposition of the breed of a dawg to the right kind of human, you need to define the human's personality.
What kind of relationship will the human provide for the dawg, relative to self and others (e.g., spouse, children) in the pack?
How much attenttion (quantity time, walks, quality time, walks, and training) will the dawg get?
Can the human be trained to establish alpha-ness, or will the doggie be a spoiled puppy-wuppy-poo?
How much maintenance can the human provide (grooming, feeding, walks, medical expenses, vacuuming and shampooing carpets, walks, and providing outdoors hygiene)?
How much physical security can the human provide (e.g., protecting the dog from escape and from getting into the garbage)?
What environment will the human offer (indoor vs. outdoor vs. indoor/outdoor, walks, other pets)?
How much tolerance does the dog need to have for neighbor problems (e.g., who selfishly demand peace and quiet)?
That may look like I know a lot, but it's really just a delay tactic while I look for a web site that will help me match the human to the dawg. Now, if I just can find those buttons....
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Entry Number 2.1
Regarding Entry Number 1.1
The comment about candidates not needing a third face implied that candidates (politicians) already have two.
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Currently Reading: Treason: Liberal Treachery from the Cold War to the War on Terrorism
Entry Number 2
Choosing the Right Human for a Dog
I'm so honored that a coworker asked my opinion about something, I need to fetch the emergency sewing kit in my desk to re-attach two of the buttons on my shirt! I'm not sure I know that much about dawgs, but I don't want to disappoint anybody, so I'll do my best.
Since it's best to try to match the disposition of the breed of a dawg to the right kind of human, you need to define the human's personality.
What kind of relationship will the human provide for the dawg, relative to self and others (e.g., spouse, children) in the pack?
How much attenttion (quantity time, walks, quality time, walks, and training) will the dawg get?
Can the human be trained to establish alpha-ness, or will the doggie be a spoiled puppy-wuppy-poo?
How much maintenance can the human provide (grooming, feeding, walks, medical expenses, vacuuming and shampooing carpets, walks, and providing outdoors hygiene)?
How much physical security can the human provide (e.g., protecting the dog from escape and from getting into the garbage)?
What environment will the human offer (indoor vs. outdoor vs. indoor/outdoor, walks, other pets)?
How much tolerance does the dog need to have for neighbor problems (e.g., who selfishly demand peace and quiet)?
That may look like I know a lot, but it's really just a delay tactic while I look for a web site that will help me match the human to the dawg. Now, if I just can find those buttons....
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Entry Number 2.1
Regarding Entry Number 1.1
The comment about candidates not needing a third face implied that candidates (politicians) already have two.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Currently Reading: Treason: Liberal Treachery from the Cold War to the War on Terrorism
First Entry: ridiculous stories
Drumroll, please....
My First Entry.
Entry Number 1.
The First Entry.
One shall be the number of this entry, and the number of this entry shall be One, for this entry is the first entry. Of all the entries, this entry is the first. For all generations shall this entry be known as the first. To your children, and to your childrens' children, you shall instruct them that this entry was the first entry of all entries in this blog; and your children shall you teach to teach their children, and to teach their children's children, and their children to teach their children and their children's children through all generations, that this entry is the first entry of all entries in this blog.
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Entry 1.1
Associated Press has a story today titled,
Candidates Screened for First Face Transplant
CLEVELAND (Sept. 17) - In the next few weeks, five men and seven women will secretly visit the Cleveland Clinic to interview for the chance to have a radical operation that's never been tried anywhere in the world.
Now, isn't that ridiculous -- as if the candidates needed a third?
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Entry 1.2
Associated Press has another ridiculous story:
Prison Locked Down After Warden Loses Keys
JACKSONVILLE, Ill. (Sept. 16) - Prisoners at the Jacksonville Correctional Center spent four days on lockdown after an assistant warden lost a set of keys. The set of about ten keys, which was still missing Friday, included a master key that opens doors to cell houses and two prison wings.
I'd like to know, why wasn't the prison already locked? Do they just let the prisoners come and go whenever they want? And if the warden lost his keys, how could they lock the prison? OK, the answer to that one is obvious. But if the warden lost his keys, what good does it do to lock the doors? The idiots need to post extra gaurds and call a locksmith to change the locks!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My First Entry.
Entry Number 1.
The First Entry.
One shall be the number of this entry, and the number of this entry shall be One, for this entry is the first entry. Of all the entries, this entry is the first. For all generations shall this entry be known as the first. To your children, and to your childrens' children, you shall instruct them that this entry was the first entry of all entries in this blog; and your children shall you teach to teach their children, and to teach their children's children, and their children to teach their children and their children's children through all generations, that this entry is the first entry of all entries in this blog.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Entry 1.1
Associated Press has a story today titled,
Candidates Screened for First Face Transplant
CLEVELAND (Sept. 17) - In the next few weeks, five men and seven women will secretly visit the Cleveland Clinic to interview for the chance to have a radical operation that's never been tried anywhere in the world.
Now, isn't that ridiculous -- as if the candidates needed a third?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Entry 1.2
Associated Press has another ridiculous story:
Prison Locked Down After Warden Loses Keys
JACKSONVILLE, Ill. (Sept. 16) - Prisoners at the Jacksonville Correctional Center spent four days on lockdown after an assistant warden lost a set of keys. The set of about ten keys, which was still missing Friday, included a master key that opens doors to cell houses and two prison wings.
I'd like to know, why wasn't the prison already locked? Do they just let the prisoners come and go whenever they want? And if the warden lost his keys, how could they lock the prison? OK, the answer to that one is obvious. But if the warden lost his keys, what good does it do to lock the doors? The idiots need to post extra gaurds and call a locksmith to change the locks!
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